Hello beautiful, here I am catching up with you while I, let’s call a spade a spade, going through an unpleasant moment. But don’t worry; I’m trying to keep this post as positive as I can. Yes this Friday I had my driving test and again I failed big times. Just writing these words make my eyes water. I am sharing this post with you because being at the Casernes I witnessed the distress of many people who were failing and I hope that these words will reach people doubting themselves because of failure.
Driving and Me
Let me first of all depict the picture even if I told you a bit about it in my post “
2017: My year, resolutions and transformation”. I started driving lessons in October 2016, I knew nothing about driving and I was extremely scared of killing people on the streets while doing so. I had my first test in April 2017 that I had to postpone because I wasn’t ready even if I had spent thousands of rupees in learning. I then decided to look for another instructor because there had been many professional misconducts from the previous one.
I am very sensitive person and I freeze when someone screams at me especially when I am in such a new thus stressful environment which is a car. Being very honest with you all, neither my mum nor my dad knows/knew how to drive. I was the kind of kid who knew what it is to walk from Quatre Bornes after tuitions to Rose Hill because I had 1 Rs missing to pay for the bus fare. My family couldn’t afford to send me to driving lessons, neither did they have a car to teach me nor could I afford to learn at an earlier stage. I often felt that this wasn’t for me, that it was for rich people, thing that I am not. BUUUUUTTT I am also a very determined, hard working person. I had a goal and it was to drive, to be free in terms of movement and in terms of fears. For that I gave everything, scarified moments with family and friends didn’t pay some bills, yes when you pay 900 to 1200 rs per day it hurts the balance on your bank account.
I was lucky to find this very sweet lady who now teaches me how to drive. The new instructor is fabulous. I am blessed to have someone this patient and understanding. I was willing to invest in the learning and she was always respectful, patient and honest. I was a terrible and terrified driver but she never screamed, never judged and I learned in two months how to drive. Two months! AMAZING!
The Driving Tests
On the 16th of August 2017 I had my first test, I felt very confident, and I was in control of my vehicle and my emotions. I still think that I drove really well, I was proud of me. I did make some mistakes and I’m the kind of person who always takes responsibility of his acts. I failed because I didn’t have a FLAWLESS driving. I was very close to it but it wasn’t flawless. One thing though, NEVER EVER trust a police man/ examiner during the test, he is here to fool you! He does not represent the absolute authority to which you need to obey during the test. Only follow his guidelines in terms of directions and for the rest he is only testing you. For example if he asks you to accelerate or overtake a vehicle, ask yourself whether you have the right to do it. That’s how he got me as I trusted his authority and not what I had been taught. Next was a week or two of mental breakdown that was fortunately fixed.
So here we are five months and a half later, because yes it takes that long to get another appointment. I practiced may be four times this time after the 5 months and happily I hadn’t lost my driving skills. But I didn’t prepare enough and I do realize it now that I didn’t because I was scared of being heartbroken again. See how fears can mess it up sometimes. Anyway I went to my driving test this past Friday and enjoyed it! HOW WEIRD IS THAT? I enjoyed being in the Casernes, driving with this a bit cold but respectful policeman, waiting for hours, cracked jokes in between and yes I also smiled gracefully while failing again. I had released all the expectations and made the driving test become and enjoyable experience. And it was. On my way home and the past days I might have been a bit sad but nothing compared to the feelings of the first driving test.
My Personal Experience with Failure
I was reading on the warrior archetype, which is part of the personality of every individual and learned that warriors despise weakness. They cultivate excellence and do not tolerate failure. As from a very early age I chose to put hero etiquette on myself and wanted to make everything perfectly. However, I would keep on experiencing failure more than I would succeed. Each time I would fail I would bully myself and feel powerless in front of how my life would turn out. Eventually my reaction to failure would transform into something worse than the failure itself.
All this to say that we need to be more understanding towards ourselves. It is amazing to be a warrior to have the discipline and be loyal to your mission but we also need to be a like a mother to ourselves in situations like failure that really shake us to our core. Weakness is not despicable, it means being vulnerable which for me is a state of openness that allows us to receive all the knowledge that life/God/the universe has for us.
One week ago I was watching a mind blowing video of Will Smith who explained that failing is a beautiful life experience and that it is a situation that brings adaptation and growth. He also advised to fail early, fail often, fail forward. I would watch and be instantly dazzled by the power and truth in his words as if it was a message directly for me telling me not to punish myself for not succeeding (because part of me knew that I am not ready for a flawless responsible driving yet).
Ending this post on the wonderful video of will smith, he said “Practice is controlled failure, you are getting to your limit, you can’t lift that, you can’t do that, until you get to the point where all of a sudden your body makes the adjustment and you can do it.” This is how I want to approach my journey to obtaining this driving license. Understanding that success is achieved through hard work, transformation and faith. What is meant to be yours will be yours at the right timing.
Writing this post was an amazing healing process, I cried a bit while writing, I feel lighter and ready to move on to something else. To you lovely soul who’s experiencing pain because of failure I want you to take some time to express to yourself as much compassion as you would express to someone going through similar disappointment.
Love you and have a wonderful week ahead.